The first time I traveled and stayed alone in a place was 2 years ago. It was Poland – Gdansk for 1 week. I was electrified in a good and bad way. I had no clue what to do with myself. I walked funny. I watched romantic couples on the street and wondered why. I wanted to write a Russian novel. I was embarrassed to go to the restaurant alone and when I did, I asked for a table for one.
I still need to be careful with that. There are no tables for one. You can go ahead and abuse one of the tables for two. Nobody will judge you. Order the typical couple meal – a main and a salad, so you earn your right for it. Be cool about it. Don’t check your phone constantly, just take it out and stare at it the whole time. You might also notice that if you don’t travel in pair, you become invisible to most of the couples and very shinny to the other lonely and sad people out there.
Solidarity rules. Reason why, I would like to give you some tips and tricks after the huge amount of knowledge collected during the last few months:
•Look lost, like you just landed on the Moon. Stare at high buildings looking for street signs, take out the classical tourist map, unfold it all the way. Make it a fun quest by reading it upside down.
•Pick a random stranger and hand him/her your phone or expensive camera for a natural pose photo. Drop your bag somewhere or pass it to the good samaritan as you don’t want it in your photo. Take your time. Try different outfits and if you don’t like the photo give him or her a bad look.
•Take as much duck selfies as you possibly can. Everybody wants to see your gracious fluffy lips on their Facebook walls. Every day. Every hour if you can and have data.
•Start a conversation by saying how much the weather sucks or how the country you’re in, sucks. Nobody is going to think you are a drag.
•Talk about yourself to anyone willing to listen. Don’t ask any questions, just build your monologue till touchdown. If you can, brag about how much money you earn and where you’re staying. Include room number and entrance code.
•Don’t say Hi to anyone on the street. Keep a mean face and walk like you own the joint. Nobody is going to mess with you.
•Eat only fast-food and complain about the cuisine quality. Write an honest heart and gut felt review on TripAdvisor.
•Always wear makeup. Even if it’s 50 degrees outside and you’re sweating a little bit.
•Dress to impress. Look expensive, wear your best jewellery, add an extra splash of your most refined perfume, but stay in a hostel, cook your own meals and only go out after dark. As late as possible.
•Don’t ever try to learn a few words in the local language. You will never be able to express yourself clearly and it will not be appreciated. Don’t create confusion.
•Last but not least, if someone smiles at you, turn the other way asap. It’s dangerous to smile back, let alone start conversation. Especially if opposite sex, cute, with the sexiest latino accent and tanned. Tanned is the worst.
Btw, this is one of the 10 top meals I had in my life. It’s Caribbean chicken cooked by an Argentinian lady, in a Pin up bar, on a tiny island in Panama. Did I mention you should be very careful with cultural diversity when traveling? It’s highly contagious and makes you stupid! Remember what your momma taught you!
Love to all!