How many days can one spend on secluded beaches without permanent mental damage?
My brain slowed down considerably and I seriously started to think that I’ve gone half dumb. My heart had its own abstract project, with a contrasting and fast-forwarding amount of emotions that most of the times made little to no sense at all.
Memory is subjective, when left by itself in the warm beach breeze. It stops the preprogramed patterns and forgets practical stuff.
I had to take mental note of all important deeds. And add extra reminders. Natural in the nature reset at its best.
Working also felt like I was part of role; a school dress-up where you get to be and act like a boss. Running my business felt like multiple personality disorder. Luckily, it went fine. It always goes fine. My father taught me that the most shameful act in cleaning your own or anybody’s mess is to hide the garbage under the carpet and deal with it later. Reason why I am mentally incapable to pause working, delay finishing, under deliver or care less. I am so disturbed, that I actually take pride in it.
The other side of me, however is a multicolour spy glass that paints reality in sophisticated, unintelligible ways. This is a curtain that I have to consciously pull in order to see “normal”. By the beach, you forget where stuff is, imaginary curtains included. And you get time to decode the view. In your own twisted way.
So, while I was looking for shells and crabs, I found out that behind everything there is an actual nothing. Like the view behind the last house in a town on the side of the desert.
You can actually reach nothingness if you travel long enough. The world becomes extremely small and you can really comprehend that there’s a huge amount of nothing just around the corner from the big fuss. Your emotions, desires, reflections, hypothesis, ideas and perpetual motion stop somewhere and there is no feeling beyond that. No opinion, no consideration, no relation. Nothing to conquer, to analyse or experiment. Like floating into space. I always imagined it would be a terrifying at first, but zen experience, overall.
I should have mentioned this post was a spoiler alert but this is one of those things that you need to experiment for yourself. The idea of “nothingness” born out of anything but complete dedication to a life dream and consequently of the feelings derived, is some sort of neurosis and should not be mistaken for the real thing. You will know the difference because one will feel amazing and the other really crappy.
So, what happens next? Do I still care?
Very much so. My hooman nature will take me back to the anthill and get me into a global routine which is very much so like a non-global one, maybe just a tad more fun.
Beach beach beach / town town town / friends friends / family family / forest / lakes / roads / planes. It’s just words. Words and endeavours. Repetitive but beautiful large scale diversity. That I can always stop by mentally chilling on the side of nothing.
Equilibrium – perfect!
Once the external environment has given you a valid chance to be yourself and to find out that you can be happy, then the means to get there will no longer depend on circumstances, to do lists and grand globe-trotting. All the richness is in yourself, all the happiness, too. I would not recommend living without love and books, either. Unless you want to experience a self-induced chemical nothingness. The crappy one.
I think life is an impatient child. If you do have the chance to reach some point where you can safely say that you got what you wanted, prepare to get down from the peak of that dream mountain into a non-glamorous, unpopular and unfashionable descent, straight to grounded magical innocence. To where you started. Deciphering yourself will be the only project that you will not be able to finish and the only one that will provide genuine satisfaction, right till the end. Oh… the humblest of them all, as well.