What makes you happy? I’m exhilarated today because I finally feel like writing after a few good months. I’m excited like a little school girl or a baby goat but also fearful that I’m going to lose my inspiration in this vortex of unrestrained and useless thoughts. The tinnitus of the mind…
Apparently tinnitus is an anomaly of the brain. You spend your day hearing a lot of noises, all sorts from music to cars, people talking, children screaming and so forth. At night everything becomes quiet and the brain cannot take it. So it invents noise. And it makes it louder when you are stressed. It’s like Poltergeist Spotify.
I love brains and consequently humans. Which brings me to this topic.
I’ve been told lately that I should speak. I hanged out with a bunch of speakers, heard them in action, talked to the whole lot, had some things to say and all of a sudden there was enough material to convince a few to put me on a stage. In front of real people. I mean as real as I am.
Everybody is afraid of speaking in public. I don’t know what goes through everybody’s mind but I am afraid to do it because I’m scared people will actually listen. And sometimes the thoughts that I have in my head are like thunders. Loud and scary. When the big bad wolf blows the piggies’ hut… that scary.
But let’s say someone would push me on a stage and lock me there. Ok that’s my ego talking. Nobody wants me on a stage that much. But let’s say that for some divine reason I speak or I die. What would I say then? Would it be so much different from day to day life? Don’t we feel like we are dying a little bit inside when we cannot speak up?
You see, I’m actually fascinated by good speakers. They are charming as hell and move like they own the whole Mendeleev table. Pure chemistry after a certain age. But apart from my personal taste, the reason why good speakers are attractive is because they are confident in what they have to say and they are also good entertainers. No truth is universal. No lesson is your lesson. No advice is your mantra and no feeling can be copied. We love entertainers because they lock us out of our heads and open whole new visions… They give us new toys to play around with and new tools to dig the world. We love them because we can study every inch of their bodies, every wrinkle in their clothes and every facial expression with absolutely zero shame. They are living mirrors of our projected fantasies. The things they say, it will all be forgotten unless they say it in the right way.
So what would I say?
- We are so concerned with being super humans that we forgot how to be HUMANS. We forgot how to look each other in the eyes and speak honestly. We forgot how to let the moment dictate the outcome. We forgot to forget about ourselves and embrace the beauty and uniqueness of who’s in front of us. We forgot how to give space to wonder, make time and the world stop, have our dialog suffice as if it was our last second on earth. It mights as well be and we waste our time with monologues, gold shaped trojan insecurities and cat walk poses. We collect groupies not memories. We collect certainties and suppress emotions like parasites. We resent weaknesses and vulnerability, falling in love, acknowledging our skin and flesh and appreciating the messiness of it all. If we had pills for human condition we would take them. Because untamed feelings are taboo, obsolete and slowing us down from the STAR race. It’s -270 Celcius in space…
- I would hypnotise my audience to a state of radical honesty and ask them a few questions. Because I often as myself, do they feel as strongly as I do about the things that make us alike? Then I would wake them up and play their responses in front of everyone. Waiver first, shit storm after. I would ask them what’s the thing they’re missing the most. How would their ideal day unravel? How long can they keep going in a world built against human nature. Isolated from mother Earth and indirectly inflicting pain to the planet as soon as they open their eyes in the morning. Everything we do now seems to suck. Our conscience is buried in mortification for using plastic, eating meat, drinking, not exercising enough, giving way to vanity, buying clothes, posting on social media, working uselessly, caring too much about money, acting superficially, hurting people, moving on convincing ourselves that we are not that bad. We built a society that doesn’t feel right. We made ourselves invisible. We sponsored values that annihilate what feels natural and we reached a stage where it’s too scary to make a real change. We wouldn’t know where to start, where to go and what to do. The Picture Perfect of living doesn’t exist anymore.
- I would feel all apologetic for making everyone feel so bad by just reminding them of human condition nowadays. We don’t know what the hell we’re doing most of time because we have hearts bigger than our brains and stomachs bigger than our hearts. We mess up, we drown in our own confusion, we wonder why the psychological pain is worse that the physical one, we keep trying to figure out why the heck we are the way we are. Our own lab rats. All our life is a constant experiment in over complicating the obvious. Nothing is ever clear. Well almost nothing…
- Then I’d confess what is clear to me. LOVE. And it sounds lame and cliche’ and nausea inducing for all the times we use ”love” when we shouldn’t. For lack of a better word, what truly matters and what truly stays real in wars, peace, prosperity, ridiculousness and our lowest moments and highest pay-checks. Think about our special powers. From laughing until our belly hurts to breaking down in tears because you see a baby cat being rescued. From having your memory erased by a spontaneous smile, to realising that broken heart is an actual cause of death. From experiencing compassion towards a complete stranger to having a strange fever in your chest when someone takes your hand. From feeling light as the wind when you get a good hug, to confusing anxiety with butterflies in your stomach. And ultimately for giving a flying Lucy if the world ends while you make passionate love. All these things that belong to the silly human that you are… and many many more.
- This is what makes life worth living. And I will roam the Earth until I break myself in two, silently carrying this message. It’s all worth it as long as you act from the heart. And we can only hope to turn this crazy reality that we’ve created by humbly passing the message along. By being kind to ourselves and the others. By trusting our true feelings no matter how much pain we suffered or how much pain we caused. By having the courage to start over and over from the heart. By withstanding heavy realities, wrong crowds, loneliness, confusion, loss and ultimately ourselves without breaking what truly matters. Because these are times where a great speech has the value of an Instagram ass and the same time span. These are times where we have to be our own heroes. We can no longer expect the others to save the world and dictate our thoughts and moves. We have to guide ourselves out of this big mess and come back to being super humans for real. I’d personally go off the grid if I didn’t have to chase beautiful souls around the world just so I can make this planet feel like my utopia. But this is a whole different story.
I would then come off the stage and act like a sad smiling clown again… hoping for better days and a town called Georgiania.